Nicole Arena
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Nicole lost her stepdad, steve, when he had a heart attack in his home in 2005.
Dear Steve –
I won’t pretend we had a perfect relationship, but I wanted to write you anyway.
You helped raise me since you came into my life around the age of 10. You died right after I
moved to LA at the age of 28 and you left mom alone. When I tell people you died it doesn’t
even register because you were a step-father, as if you weren’t real or don’t count, but you did.
I’m sad that any new people I meet won’t even know you or know you existed.
I wish you were still here, mostly for her. She isn’t the same without you to balance her. She is
healthy, but acts so old. You could have been enjoying your retirement and going on trips like
my other friends’ parents, but instead she is alone and that bothers me. She doesn’t even try to
make new friends really. She knows a few people, but it isn’t the same.
I wish you were still here because I think you would have loved all that is going on in
technology. You loved every gadget there was. I used to think you were such a huge nerd,
bringing home every new thing from Radio Shack. Now I think about how excited you would
have been to see an Iphone or watch Netflix. I am sorry you missed all of that since you would
have appreciated it all so much. You would have understood what I was talking about in regards
to my company and the tech world and you would have taught mom how to text and use
OnDemand. You were so smart and we could have talked about politics and current events. You
were always a great buffer so mom and I would not argue.
Unfortunately, when you were here I took you for granted and sadly I do not even think your
dying has made me change. I hope maybe a little. But I still get annoyed with mom and do not
consider that I could lose her. I wish I could be more present with that. I recall the last time we
spoke on the phone, I was calling for mom and you answered. You started to talk to me about a
laptop you generously bought me and I couldn’t even be bothered. I was in a bad mood and I
was curt with you. When you died I didn’t even answer the phone. I moved here for my
boyfriend. But you and Mom didn’t know that he was a drug addict. I didn’t know that either,
when I moved, but when I got here he was always on drugs and I was constantly worried about
his behavior and that he would cheat on me or leave me. I focused all of my attention on him.
Since I was so angry inside I took it out on everyone. I would turn my phone off or ignore calls
from mom so I could pay attention to the boyfriend. And I missed her call. I got up in the middle
of the night and heard her voicemail that you had died. She was asleep by the time I heard the
message. I should have been around for that call. I am sorry I wasn’t.
I was disgraceful because I was so insecure about the boyfriend. My life revolved around only him.
And I wasn’t the same person then that I am now. I would like to think I would do better today.
After you died I hated the cat. Mom told me that after you guys got back from your annual
Mexico trip that Pretty (the cat) was acting weird since he had been boarded at the vet. Then
he went missing. She told me about how you put signs up around the neighborhood and I had
even laughed about it with Tim earlier that week mocking how it must have gone with her
ordering you around. She told me someone called to say they found the cat. And you went to
get him – you were so happy. Then you came home with the empty cat carrier and you were
sad. You sat on the couch and you had a heart attack and died. You were someone who was
never upset or angry. Mom felt you were so distraught over the cat that it killed you. I hated
the cat for that. They never found him. Mom lost you and the cat.
Of course I knew you were overweight and had high blood pressure and high cholesterol, but
still. We even found out after that you had not been feeling well, but you never told anyone. I
wish you had taken better care of yourself, if not for you, but for her.
I never saw you and mom act in love. I saw her tell you what to do and I saw you do it. No
matter what she asked, you did it. I am pretty sure you loved me, but mostly you did things for
me because I know you loved her and that is ok. You drove me wherever I wanted. You picked
up every friend and took us to the mall, the movies, to dinner, whatever I asked. When I was 15
you got up at 6am every Saturday so I could take an art class in NYC. I would even listen to
music on my Walkman and not even talk to you the whole ride and you didn’t mind. You drove
me to college, you hauled all my stuff. You taught me how to use computers. When I was
younger I loved to rest my head on your big stomach and I called it my pillow. You would make
me afterschool snacks like nachos in the microwave. I loved you even though I didn’t appreciate
you. You were a good man. When I was at the wake mom talked about how you were the love
of her life. I was so surprised. I didn’t know she felt that way. I thought you just seemed like two
companions, but I guess when I left for college you did a lot more than I was aware and for that
I am glad.
I only wish you were around now so she wouldn’t be lonely. I miss you. I hope you are up in
Heaven with everyone else, even though you were agnostic I would like to think of you up
there. I would like to think you see all I am doing down here and you are excited of who I have
Become.
Love,
Nicole
Nicole lives in Los Angeles as a wedding and event planner, Green Ribbon Parties as well as starting an online platform for booking private parties at restaurants called The Social Arena.