Taylor Sheridan
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Taylor’s sister, theo, took her life in 2003
My dearest Theo,
I wrote this letter to you with my sleeping baby on my chest. You would have loved each other so much. One day I’ll tell him all about you. How you were unapologetically you. That you loved rollerblading and snowboarding. That his Calvin and Hobbes comic book collection was yours, how you loved to eat mochi with a cheese square cooked on top, and bagel bites. How we would build forts in our house and one time we turned our closet into a pretend train and spent a whole 24 hours in it, how we’d take all the food out of the cupboards and build a grocery store where we’d sell food back to our parents, how we’d put on performances for the neighborhood in our front yard- we’d pull our radio flyer around door to door inviting people while also trying to sell them pecans we bagged up from our yard, how you were awesome at high jump and really good at math. And how much you loved babies.
You always wanted there to be boys in the family.. and now there are two baby boys that you will never get to know. And the hardest part for me is that it was your choice not to know them. Or us. Or your own future kids. You chose to take your own life right before you turned 19.
You left us a note that I’ve read a million times, but I never found any answers. I remember the day you said goodbye to me. I had no idea it was going to be the last time I ever saw you. I had no idea what you had planned for yourself. And I’m so angry for not knowing. Still angry after all these years. It’s been 16 years. You’d be 35. That’s 16 years of missing you and trying so hard to remember every memory I have of you. But also trying to move beyond the hurt and the pain that there won’t be any new memories. Ever. You are my little sister and it was my job to protect you and I failed. I’m writing this letter to tell you that I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t notice how deeply you were in pain. I would give anything to go back to that time in our lives. I would have done everything in my power to help you with the bullies, to be there for you , to hold you in my arms and make sure you knew you were loved and to stop you from buying that gun. You were just a kid and had your whole life ahead of you.
You were cremated and made into the most beautiful blue diamonds. We all have one. Tessandra and I both wore mine in our weddings. I’m married to the most amazing man and father. I think you really would have loved him. I know he would have loved you. We live in California and have been here for 14 years now. So much has changed. Everyone has a cell phone, there is social media and everyone has instant access to personal information. I’m not sure how much you would like it. But there is also more acceptance, and maybe you would have found a better support system within your peers then what you had.
I just hope that wherever you are right now you are finally happy and no longer in pain. It’s the only thing I can take comfort in. That your heart was just too broken for this world and now you are able to rest easy. We’ll be ok. We’ll never be the same again. But we’ll be ok.
I love you. And I miss you.
Forever your sister,
Taylor
Taylor is a wardrobe stylist and lives in Los Angeles with her husband, their one year old son Rush, and their cat Plant. Together they own a cactus company called LA Cactus Co.